Nobody ever has a dream 'round here...

[This is part two of a long story. Read part 1 first.]

When I left off yesterday, I was pregnant. Or at least I thought I was. I missed a full cycle and I took a home pregnancy test that came up positive. However, when I actually went to the doctor a month later (I know…) I was, in fact, not pregnant. My cycle started again regularly about six weeks after the missed one. So, I am not real sure what happened, but for four weeks or so, I thought I was pregnant. Incidentally, I had (and still have) been on the pill since I was 15, and this has made me paranoid about being overly cautious about getting pregnant again…

Anyway, my Mother was not that disappointed to find out I was pregnant. She was convinced that this would make me stay home. Sam was ecstatic…he didn’t want me to leave either, and wanted to get married right away. I have to give him credit for this…I knew a whole bunch of girls who got knocked up and suddenly were boyfriend-less, but he really wanted to do this together. The thing about not being pregnant is that it saved me from having to tell Sam that there was no way I was having a baby. I never actually told anyone that, but I had already made up my mind.

So, turns out I wasn’t pregnant, which was a relief. Sam, however, really liked the idea of getting married, baby or no baby. The first time he formally proposed, ring and all, was in March of that year. I didn’t really answer him, which was wrong of me. I told him that I had to wait until after graduation to figure things out. At the time, I already knew that Sam and I had very different plans for our lives, and that those plans unfortunately could not include each other. But I didn’t say "no", because I could tell how much he liked the idea and I just couldn’t bring myself to hurt him.

So I did the cowardly thing and just didn’t do anything. Graduation came and I put Sam off again and again, always using somewhat lame excuses that he had to have known were not good news. By the end of July, I think most of my family and friends sort of took it for granted that we were basically engaged and would be getting married quickly. My mother told me that I was a dreamer and a fool and that a good man wanted to marry me and that I should take the chance when I had it because that chance might not come again. She basically told me to get married and start pumping out kids like a good woman is supposed to do.

Virtually no one voiced any dissent. My friends all thought that this should be my dream…get married and start living. My family said the same. Even BFFg told me that I should forget the idea of moving 1,000 miles away for college into a strange place, and should settle down right here. [By the way, if you read the summary of this blog at the top of the page, this all falls into the second sentence].

I was in a really low place…it seemed like everyone I knew was pushing me to do something that I knew in my heart was the wrong thing to do, and that I just couldn’t bring myself to do. I knew that I wanted to move away in a month, but I still didn’t know how…I had no money, no car and no support system. More than that, I had a mother that would do all she could to prevent me from doing it. I had finally started to think that I should simply give in and marry him and move on.

There are now three critical events in this story. The first was August 25th. A bunch of us had gone out, and at some point (maybe 5:30 am?) BFFb and I were the only two left stranding. We went to an all-night diner for breakfast, and out of nowhere, he said the following:

"AM, You don’t want to marry him, do you?" I didn’t even have a response, so he kept talking.

"Sam is my best friend, and there is nothing in the world that will make him happier right now than for you to marry him. But if you say yes to him, I will never forgive you. Fucking never. It will kill him, but you don’t want to do it and you will be miserable. And that is gonna make both of you miserable." I couldn’t speak, I just burst into tears. I think the people in the restaurant thought I was nuts…lol. But I immediately became a sobbing, blubbering mess, and all I could do was hug him and bury my face in his shoulder and cry for like ten minutes.

I am not sure that the emotion of it really comes through, but that was an incredibly dark time. I felt like I had no one in my corner…that everything I wanted was being kept from me by all of the people that should have been helping me…that not even the people I thought I could count on the most were behind me. And then, at the very worst time, right when I was about to give in and resign myself to the life everyone told me I should have, there was finally one, single, solitary voice of support. This, not coincidentally, is why BFFb holds a very special place in my heart;-)

That, however, left the not small matter of telling Sam...

[to be continued]

Sam's Town

OK, I can’t promise that you will find this interesting, but it feels really good to write it all down. There are some people I know that maybe have never heard the full, long version, either, so maybe this will help them a bit, too. It covers a lot of time, a huge part of my past, and a big piece of my soul. So without further ado…

There is a key new person in this story, and I will introduce him as Sam…with no explanation as to why I chose that;-) Sam moved into the same neighborhood as me and my two BFFs when we were all about 11. Immediately, he became our fourth;-) He was a little bit mischievous, super-cute, and an absolutely devoted friend.

Sam, BFFb, BFFg and I were as close as friends can be for the next couple of years, spending all the time we could together, getting into and out of trouble together and basically keeping each other afloat. It is the worst imaginable environment to raise a kid in, and the fact that we are all alive, out of jail and thriving is a tribute to how much we cared about each other and looked out for each other. I spent a lot of time at my friends’ houses in those days, always because they were more comfortable places than my own.

Things sort of moved along like that for a couple of years, and then in our sophomore year of high school, Sam and I started dating. It was really good, especially at first…he was one of my best friends, I cared about him deeply, and he felt the same. It was really a pretty seamless relationship, especially for high school kids. It was also a rock for me during some very stormy times at home (my mother and I never fought when she was a drunk, but once she sobered up we sure did!) I spent quite a few nights at Sam’s house, and his mother was an extremely important part of my life as well.

The only thing that ever really came between us, honestly, was “expectations”. I always knew I wanted to move away…I didn’t know what I wanted to do, I just knew that I didn’t want to live in a crime and drug infested ghetto where virtually everyone is on some form of government assistance. Sam had a more limited vision…he really just wanted to graduate from high school, get a job, and get on with living. He certainly didn’t want to live in the same place we did, but a lower-middle class area nearby was probably what he considered ideal.

When you are 16, those sorts of things are kind of irrelevant. However, as our senior year approached and then finally started, it became clear to me that we wanted very different things in life. Still, I loved him, he was always great to me and I enjoyed virtually every second I ever spent with him.

This “clash of expectations” did not exist solely between me and Sam. My mother, in her never-ending efforts to force me into the same exact kind of life she had, was adamantly opposed to me going away to college. She wanted me to graduate, get a job, get married, start having kids and maybe go to a community college part time if I was feeling ambitious. She had a million reasons…it costs too much, I wasn’t like any of the other college kids and wouldn’t fit in, I would start but never finish and then owe a ton of money, college was for “rich kids”.

I applied to colleges completely without any help from my mother, and in fact against her wishes. I applied to a school in Arizona because it was a) warm, and b) far away. That was it…I had never been south or west of St. Louis. Arizona seemed like heaven to me.

These parallel stories came to a head in the winter and spring of my senior year of high school (I graduated in 2001). The first major event was my receiving a fat envelope from the school I had applied to without my mother knowing. On what should have been a great day with a major sense of accomplishment, my mother threw a fit you wouldn’t believe, broke a window by throwing an ashtray and called the school to tell them I wasn’t coming. She told me that I was “forbidden” to go away to college. Luckily, the school ignored her, and I sent back a deposit on my own.

[Special thanks to Mrs. Willsey, the guidance counselor who walked me through all of this at school. Being a guidance counselor at an inner-city public high school is not an easy job, but she was invaluable in helping me apply, get in and then apply for financial aid.]

I wasn’t quite sure how, but I was going to move away to school, and she could go and fuck herself. My mother and I stopped speaking, she was trying to wreck my future, and about a month later, the other shoe dropped: I missed a period…I was pregnant (or, at least, I thought I was).

[to be continued...and yes, I am being obnoxious by leaving it at this point:-P]

The Big Story

Since I had no motivation today and did lots yesterday, I spent most of the day writing "The Big Story". Which is actually really therapeutic, as it turns out.

It is too long to post at once (I am on page 5 of a Word Document and still have a ways to go) so I will kind of post bits and pieces at a time. And yes, I am going to intentionally cut it off at the most cliffhanging of moments:-P

So, you have that to look forward to tomorrow;-)

Sin City

I think I had the most productive work day I have ever had yesterday…I feel like I got two days worth of work done in about four hours. I’m not sure why, but I got going and was just tearing through stuff like no one’s business. The good part of that is that I don’t have a huge amount of stuff to do today.

Maybe it is because my mind was completely free of sex…lol. It could be that sex normally takes up about 85% of my brain, and during the rare times when I have had enough and want no more, I can really accomplish amazing things. Wasn’t this a Seinfeld episode? I am pretty sure it was…

And don’t take that to mean that I didn’t get like a solid hour and two orgasms worth of no-need-to-reciprocate-fall-right-asleep-afterwards oral sex when I went to bed. Now THAT is how I like to be tucked in;-) [Note: I was awoken later on by The Boy, Smoking Hot Roommate and Adorable Dork screaming at the television…apparently there was some ridiculous football game last night that ended way past midnight.] And because I am such a sweetheart, I returned the favor this morning.

Anyway, only two more days left of my uninhibited winter-sex-romp until I have to go back to being Mom again. Stupid responsibilities!!!

I talked to Tinkerbelle and her Mom yesterday. She is still super cute;-) And it looks like they are going to come out here next summer with the rest of the family, which is awesome. This will be the first time that most of them have been out to see me here, and I am really looking forward to showing them around. Tinkerbelle still hasn’t met Munchkin, although that will likely happen before then.

We are going to Vegas for a little birthday celebration the weekend after next…sort of a joint Big Sis/SHR birthday extravaganza. Smoking Hot Roommate, The Body, The Mouth and I used to go to Vegas a lot during college, and there are some seriously debaucherous stories…hee hee. I don’t think it will be quite as bad as any of those (like, without naming names, having sex with a married couple…), but I guess you never know;-)

Ah well, back to work, I guess. Hope everyone’s New Year was good!

p.s. Ally...I am still waiting!!!

'07

Good morning everyone, and Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a good time last night and isn't too hungover this morning. I would give myself about a 4 of 10 on the "headache" scale...I can tell I got all banged up, but I am in pretty good shape. Smoking Hot Roommate already ran seven miles of so...bitch. Now she is making me breakfast, so I take back the bitch comment.

I got an 8:15 "Happy New Year" wake-up call from my favorite 11 year-old. She is too cute:-) She comes home Thursday, and I miss her:-D They stayed in (I forget the place...) last night for New Year's and are back on the boat today and tomorrow. She is having a blast, which is not surprising...

I told Tinkerbelle's Mom that I would call about Noon to say Hi, so I have to remember to do that;-) I also want to talk to all the people I don't get to see today...The Body and The Mouth, my two BFFs, my cousins... Seems like a day to do that.

It is raining out and looks relatively gross. I don't intend to go outside today for anything, except maybe to pick up food somewhere. Even that is not something I am willing to commit to yet...lol. I have some work to do, and we have to clean up a lot (sort of impromptu late-night party here) and beyond that I am just gonna sit around. The Boy and SHR were both making noise about finding a bar and watching football all day, but I have not committed to that yet.

Speaking of The Boy...I really think I broke him...hee hee. He was just way too cute in his tuxedo, and I was feeling way too hot in my little dress. It took all of my self-control not to sneak off and find an empty bathroom in the hotel for a quickie. But then I had my way with him when we got home, and he is currently sleeping so soundly that I couldn't even wake him up for morning sex (good thing...I think it would have hurt, a lot...lol).

Actually, I am a little broken on my own...I have a huge red mark on my shoulder from being pinned up against my bedroom wall (I'm little, he can hold me up:-)) What can I say, I get into it and I can get a little carried away. Come to think of it...maybe some of this headache is from hitting my head on that same wall...hmm...I don't think so, but I suppose it is possible...

Anyway, I have a huge red scratch on my shoulder, my abs are killing me (24 and counting:-D), my thighs are shot, I still have a lingering muscle pull in my back, and I am VERY sore. So, methinks that there will be no fucking for me today, and maybe not tomorrow either;-)

I find myself surprisingly non-introspective today. Usually, New Year's makes me...and everyone else...kind of "thoughtful". I guess it is an overall level of contentment, but I really haven't been too hung up on that. I did spend some time laying in bed thinking about where I was on prior New Years and where I will be next New Years, but not a ton. Mostly, I think I am just happy, grounded and content.

There are much worse things to be;-)