Nobody ever has a dream 'round here...

[This is part two of a long story. Read part 1 first.]

When I left off yesterday, I was pregnant. Or at least I thought I was. I missed a full cycle and I took a home pregnancy test that came up positive. However, when I actually went to the doctor a month later (I know…) I was, in fact, not pregnant. My cycle started again regularly about six weeks after the missed one. So, I am not real sure what happened, but for four weeks or so, I thought I was pregnant. Incidentally, I had (and still have) been on the pill since I was 15, and this has made me paranoid about being overly cautious about getting pregnant again…

Anyway, my Mother was not that disappointed to find out I was pregnant. She was convinced that this would make me stay home. Sam was ecstatic…he didn’t want me to leave either, and wanted to get married right away. I have to give him credit for this…I knew a whole bunch of girls who got knocked up and suddenly were boyfriend-less, but he really wanted to do this together. The thing about not being pregnant is that it saved me from having to tell Sam that there was no way I was having a baby. I never actually told anyone that, but I had already made up my mind.

So, turns out I wasn’t pregnant, which was a relief. Sam, however, really liked the idea of getting married, baby or no baby. The first time he formally proposed, ring and all, was in March of that year. I didn’t really answer him, which was wrong of me. I told him that I had to wait until after graduation to figure things out. At the time, I already knew that Sam and I had very different plans for our lives, and that those plans unfortunately could not include each other. But I didn’t say "no", because I could tell how much he liked the idea and I just couldn’t bring myself to hurt him.

So I did the cowardly thing and just didn’t do anything. Graduation came and I put Sam off again and again, always using somewhat lame excuses that he had to have known were not good news. By the end of July, I think most of my family and friends sort of took it for granted that we were basically engaged and would be getting married quickly. My mother told me that I was a dreamer and a fool and that a good man wanted to marry me and that I should take the chance when I had it because that chance might not come again. She basically told me to get married and start pumping out kids like a good woman is supposed to do.

Virtually no one voiced any dissent. My friends all thought that this should be my dream…get married and start living. My family said the same. Even BFFg told me that I should forget the idea of moving 1,000 miles away for college into a strange place, and should settle down right here. [By the way, if you read the summary of this blog at the top of the page, this all falls into the second sentence].

I was in a really low place…it seemed like everyone I knew was pushing me to do something that I knew in my heart was the wrong thing to do, and that I just couldn’t bring myself to do. I knew that I wanted to move away in a month, but I still didn’t know how…I had no money, no car and no support system. More than that, I had a mother that would do all she could to prevent me from doing it. I had finally started to think that I should simply give in and marry him and move on.

There are now three critical events in this story. The first was August 25th. A bunch of us had gone out, and at some point (maybe 5:30 am?) BFFb and I were the only two left stranding. We went to an all-night diner for breakfast, and out of nowhere, he said the following:

"AM, You don’t want to marry him, do you?" I didn’t even have a response, so he kept talking.

"Sam is my best friend, and there is nothing in the world that will make him happier right now than for you to marry him. But if you say yes to him, I will never forgive you. Fucking never. It will kill him, but you don’t want to do it and you will be miserable. And that is gonna make both of you miserable." I couldn’t speak, I just burst into tears. I think the people in the restaurant thought I was nuts…lol. But I immediately became a sobbing, blubbering mess, and all I could do was hug him and bury my face in his shoulder and cry for like ten minutes.

I am not sure that the emotion of it really comes through, but that was an incredibly dark time. I felt like I had no one in my corner…that everything I wanted was being kept from me by all of the people that should have been helping me…that not even the people I thought I could count on the most were behind me. And then, at the very worst time, right when I was about to give in and resign myself to the life everyone told me I should have, there was finally one, single, solitary voice of support. This, not coincidentally, is why BFFb holds a very special place in my heart;-)

That, however, left the not small matter of telling Sam...

[to be continued]