More on Bullying

I did a little research into the state's sex laws to find out if there are mandatory minimum sentences for statutory rape (there aren't) and came up with this gem:

MGL c.272, s. 4. Inducing person under 18 to have sexual intercourse.

Whoever induces any person under 18 years of age of chaste life to have
unlawful sexual intercourse shall be punished by imprisonment in the state
prison for not more than three years or in a jail or house of correction for not
more than two and one-half years or by a fine of not more than $1,000 or by both
such fine and imprisonment.

If I am reading that right, then having sex with someone under 18 is punishable by up to three years in prison...unless someone else did it first! Yes, we actually have laws that deal with taking someone's virginity.

That is not really apropos to this case (which is related to the laws for kids under 16), but it sort of sums up the absurdity of many of our old morals laws.

Back to the case at hand...I was a little bit surprised to get as few comments as I did, as this is a topic that tends to generate a lot of discussion. Which probably means that most of you disagree with me, since people speak up more when they agree. But really, I like it better when people tell me I am wrong. I can take it.

No one disagreed with the rape charges (at least out loud). So I am putting that to rest unless someone would like to speak up on behalf of the DA. Two interesting things did come up, though.

First, there were a couple of people who argued that the kids should be charged with assault. I hadn't really thought of that, and I am not sure that I agree. Again, a lot of this depends on exactly what the kids actually said and did, which has not really come out yet save for some anecdotes here and there. In fairness to the DA, she has acknowledged that the case appears to be a stretch, but has promised that the actual evidence is pretty damning. So, all judgement is couched by that.

Tammy from Nebraska brings up another interesting point...or at least she kind of hints at it (I don't want to put words in your mouth;-))...this is all based on what Phoebe decided to do to herself. What if she just plain overreacted? I feel like we need to be careful to judge only the kids' actions, and not consequences beyond their control. Assume they were really evil, and the story somehow got out, but the girl didn't kill herself...I am sure there would be a lot of people calling their actions despicable, but the suggestion that you should put kids in jail for non-physical bullying would not generate much support at all. In other words...should we let Phoebe's actions influence our view of the other kids?

I don't want to sound like I am sticking up for the bulliers, or dismissing their actions as "kids will be kids". Kids that age can be downright evil by any measure, and as Me pointed out, the pressure has become 24/7...it is technologically inescapable. And I can assure you that I see this shit every single day as the (kinda) parent of a 15 year old girl.

What concerns me is the witch hunt that has to follow a tragedy. What other pressures was she under? What other problems might she have had? Was it really the actions of these other kids that drove her to take her own life? Had she been totally happy when she moved here? Suicide is an awfully complicated thing, and it may be overly simplistic and unfair to pin this entirely on these other kids. (It also may not...)

Second is the question of the responsibility of teachers. Unquestionably, teachers have a role to play. They spend a lot of time with kids and they exert a lot of influence. However, teachers are not substitute parents. They are not law enforcement officials. They are not expert psychologists. And, to the far-reaching aspect of technology, they can not be everywhere and very specifically can't do anything about things that happen outside of school. These kids were shouting insults at her in front of teachers? Yes, absolutely, they can't just pretend they didn't see it. But my intuition tells me that it is never quite that cut and dried or that obvious.

And to be realistic...think about how this would really go. Let's say Johnny is mean to Billy, and Mr. Teacher thinks he is bullying him. What does he do? Any efforts to discipline Johnny are likely to lead to nasty letters and phone calls from Johnny's parents wondering why their perfect son is being needled by nosy teachers. And what can you really do to the kid anyway? Only parents can really punish most kids.

I know I have some teacher's that read regularly...maybe you could tell us what happens when you try and give a kid a well-earned bad grade, let alone report their behavior as unbecoming. Kids may be really mean, but often it is because their parents are total assholes...

OK...this is way too long and doesn't make much sense;-) So someone else start talking, please

Bullying

Kind of a change of pace, and one that I am not really even sure that I have fully thought about. But, it is a worthy discussion topic, and will hopefully liven things up around here.

This has been a pretty big story around here, but I don't know if it has resonated nationally. The short version: a bunch of high school kids in South Hadley, MA harassed a teenage girl so badly that she ended up committing suicide. Late last week, the DA filed charges against a handful of the tormentors.

The girl's name was Phoebe Prince, and she was an Irish immigrant who moved here with her family at the beginning of the school year. The details are a little unclear, but it looks like she drew the attention of at least a couple of boys, and that the dissolution of those relationships started the trouble. She was then systematically bullied, harassed and insulted pretty relentlessly.

So, first of all...girls can be incredibly mean. Most of my readers are women, and I am sure that you remember what high school was like. We all like to look back and remember how mean other girls were...but if you search your memory honestly, you will probably acknowledge that you were no angel either. I know I wasn't.

Not only can girls turn on each other with incredible speed, but they can encourage others to do the same as well. I am sure that at one point, you hated some girl because your best friend and her best friend had a fight over...um...something. Now, imagine that you are a new girl in a new country who meets a couple of cute older boys and then suddenly finds that those boys friends have set about socially destroying you and nobody else seems willing to offer even the slightest help. It is not a huge leap to see where that would drive you to a pretty desperate place.

My real concern with all of this is in the charges being filed. While it is easy to see a tragedy in all of this, and there are plenty of people to be blamed at various levels, what are we hoping to accomplish by charging them?

First of all, charging the boys with statutory rape is outright ridiculous. As a brief primer, the law in Massachusetts says that if a person over age 16 has sex with a person under 16, it is rape. In most states, there are laws about the difference in age between the two people (so, you have to be at least two years apart in age, for example) but not here. And that, to be perfectly frank, is asinine. As the legal guardian of a girl who is very much the subject of this law (she is now 15 and draws intense attention from boys her own age, slightly older and much older), I am as sensitive to it as anyone and I am completely convinced that it's a foolish law.

Think about what this actually means: there are two boys who aged 16 and 17 that had consensual sex with a girl who was 15. Nothing coercive or underhanded...they met like high school kids meet, maybe went out on a couple dates, and decided to sleep together. (And no, not at the same time...two totally separate relationships). That is a sophomore boy and a freshman girl. Clearly, by the letter of the law, they are guilty, but is that really what we wrote statutory rape laws for? To make every single high schooler who has a younger girlfriend of boyfriend spend years in state prison and then register as a sex offender in every place they live for the rest of their life? We are going to start prosecuting 40% of high school kids now?

The other charges are a little harder to understand, so I am not real sure that I have an opinion on them...they largely relate to violating her civil rights by making it impossible for her to go to school. Seems like a huge reach to me but I will leave that to the legal minds. While there are some reports of people shouting things at her in the halls, and some reference to "Facebook bullying", it is not completely clear what their bullying consists of. And that makes it a little hard for me to judge their actions as well.

Then there is the issue of the school. There are all sorts of reports that the teachers and administrators knew what was going on and stayed out of it, but I am not really sure what the truth of that really is. The larger question is...what is the role of teachers in this? It is easy to assign teachers at least some role in monitoring or preventing harassment or bullying, but how much? Is that really a teacher's job? Do they really have the training and skills to do that? Because that really has absolutely nothing to do with teaching kids.

So, it is a really complicated case with a lot of different faces and I am not really sure that I have strong opinions on a lot of it. There is clearly a tragedy, and clearly some actions that are despicable and reprehensible...but before we go throwing people in jail, we should think about what that really means.

I expect a lot of thoughts on this one...send 'em by email if you would rather...

Sun, sun and more sun

I spent most of today out and about, and don't feel at all the worse for wear. This is very good news, seeing as the next week or so is going to be just as spectacular and there is absolutely no chance that I will be spending a beautiful spring week cooped up in my house or on my couch at school.

There is just something about spring in the city...the trees and flowers have started blooming, the grass is finally green, and mostly there are just TONS of people out. People walking and running and rollerblading and biking and laying out reading and walking dogs and playing Frisbee and sunning themselves. Sure, everyone is just a touch too pale to be wearing their summer clothes from last year, but that is OK...it is just refreshing to finally see some skin and some bare feet and some more flattering clothing.

And of course, it is great to be able to spend the afternoon of your baby sister's birthday sitting at an outdoor cafe on Newbury Street with her, your two pretend sisters, oversized salads and iced tea and some very dark sunglasses (you know, so you can stealthily check everyone out;-)). Honestly, I could have sat there all day.

Special note: it is the first time in my entire pregnancy that I have really, really wanted a drink. Big Sis claims to have been jonesing for a glass of wine the whole time, but I have had no real urges at all. But, oh man, I would have committed some pretty heinous crimes to have a Long Island, or a Margarita this afternoon. Actually, a cold beer would have been pretty freaking awesome, too. Or a Mojito. I am getting carried away...

Anyway, we had a super lunch full of people watching, gossiping and chit chat:-). I went home to rest for a bit so that I could go to Munchkin's party, and Smoking Hot Roommate took her to do some birthday shopping and they found her a party dress that is simultaneously super cute and super hot...everyone was happy:-) Then they came home and a couple of Munchkin's friends came over so that they could get ready together.

The party was pretty fun...I was just happy to be there and to be out of the house! They are at a funny age where they are all (even the boys) discovering the concept of "fashion" and are very cognisant of looking good. But, they don't really understand their own personal style yet, or the idea of dressing for an occasion...which leads to some interesting choices. Like...babydoll dresses and ballet flats. And way too many accessories. To a bowling alley.

To be a little more serious, a couple of the girls need some pretty serious advice on toning things down a bit. There was some seriously out-of-control cleavage, and a couple girls who just don't have the legs to be wearing the aforementioned babydoll dresses. I am a big believer in promoting healthy body images, especially for girls who will just never be super skinny...but part of that image is in knowing your strengths and weaknesses and being able to dress them appropriately. Whatever...they are all between 13 and 16, they'll learn.

As for the boys, Big Sis hit the nail on the head by noting that "They are clearly shooting for Chuck Bass. Only he looks ridiculous 80% of the time anyway, and that is after the benefit of professional stylists and makeup artists." It was fun, though, and Munchkin had a great time. She had a nice long talk with Frenchie this morning, but then after that she didn't pout at all about not being able to see him...which to me is perfect: no sense in fretting over things you can't change.

Easter tomorrow, which we are having at Twin Sister's place. Pretty low key, and I think just The Boy's immediate family. And who knows...I could have kids by then...:-D

You can just imagine what she will want for her next birthday

I am so darn funny, I just can't get over myself...my April Fool's humor is unmatched!!!

Another doctor's appointment this morning, and everything still looks really good. I am only a tiny bit dilated (which I have been for a while) and still no signs of labor or any contractions or anything. So, for now, it looks like the girls may stay put for a little longer:-)

Bed rest be dammed...I am gonna enjoy this weekend as best I can! A) It could be my last weekend ever of freedom, and B) It is supposed to be spectacularly nice! Today is beautiful, and tomorrow and Sunday are supposed to be even nicer. Not that I am gonna go hog wild, but I am definitely not keeping myself cooped up all weekend, that's for sure

And how could I, when tomorrow is THE BIGGEST DAY OF THE YEAR?!?!?! That's right...my original baby girl is turning 15 years old. I can't even begin to tell you how old that seems to me...and how fast time has flown. Packing her up in my car and driving from Chicago to Boston (and crying uncontrollably once she fell asleep) was nearly five years ago...a time span that seems completely incomprehensible to me now.

You know what? Sometime this August, around the five year anniversary of our little adventure, I am going to try and really write about that day and the weeks before and after it. Obviously, I talk about it a lot, but I am not really sure that I have totally spelled out the myriad emotions and fears and hopes and excitement of that time. But I will sum it up with a fragment of a conversation that I had with a mother of one of her friends last fall about my impending motherhood. She told me, about the babies, "No matter what, you will always know that this is the biggest, most important thing you will ever do." I remember thinking a lot about that statement, and being fairly certain that it was not completely true.

Anyway, I will save the sappy for later;-). This weekend is just about having a party! I would love to tell you that my big gift to her is a surprise visit from the boyfriend, but that would be lying...I am not quite that cool. He did send her a couple of things, including a beautiful pair of earrings that she was not supposed to open until tomorrow but already did and now will have to pretend that she didn't:-P

She is having a little bit of a party tomorrow night which I hope to get to for a little bit. Smoking Hot Roommate has really be a doll and taken the lead on this, and will be playing Mom/chaperon [spellcheck says there is no "e" at the end of that...for real?] for this. Nothing overly fancy, they are having pizza and then going bowling...although there will be boys involved, which changes the dynamic a little bit. And yes, I am aware that this could all be part of a ruse for SHR to steal Munchkin away from me and never give her back when she moves in with her next week:-P You can't fool me!!!

That's about it for the weekend. Still laying low, but I refuse to be housebound when it is this nice out!!!

Holy Shit

Remember when I told you I was having twins?

Turns out I lied. There's THREE of them...