Things that make me laugh for days

A couple of friends were down at the beach this weekend visiting...one of whom just broke up with a guy that she started dating at the beginning of the summer. While it was a little surprising (they seemed like they should have been a really good fit) it hardly qualifies as a tragedy.

So, we had a good-natured discussion (over cocktails, of course) about what went wrong. She ticked off his various flaws...finally getting to the real crux of the issue. "The sex was crappy, too. It wasn't in the beginning, but then he got really lazy and it got to be a total chore for me. It turns out that his favorite thing was for me to blow him while he read my Victoria's Secret catalogs. Seriously, it's like he wanted to have a kinky sex life, but he was too lazy and he was too much of a pussy to even buy any actual porn."

Five years (The most important thing I will ever do)

[I started writing this two weeks ago, so it could actually be five years and two weeks...but just pretend it was then and we will all be cool, OK?]

In the course of everyone's life, there are moments...days, hours, minutes...that remain as fresh in the mind as when they occurred. Whether traumatic, joyous, shocking, alarming, exciting or otherwise noteworthy, these moments...these defining moments...stay with you. They leave an indelible print on the mind and the soul, changing you, for better or for worse, in a way you may have never seen coming.

Often, they blindside you; a sudden death, terrible news, a shock break-up. Sometimes, you may not even recognize them when they happen; only hindsight shows them in their true light. Other times, there is plenty of advance warning; weddings and babies and graduations and such.

I had plenty of warning. For three months I knew it was a possibility, and for at least a month I knew exactly how it would go down. The time helped get the planning out of the way, but it also contributed to the anxiety. A month's worth of worrying. A month's worth of fear. A month's worth of sweaty, sleepless nights, stomach pains and edginess.

I didn't really even wonder if I could do it...I almost knew that I couldn't. The questions seemed so daunting and so unanswerable. Emotionally and financially I was capable of taking care of myself...barely...but a psychologically damaged, homesick 10 year-old orphan? The absurdity of it all was completely apparent. I can't even tell you that I know what made me decide to even try, other than maybe a heavy feeling that I absolutely had to. That not doing it would have been easier but would have ended up being so much harder. Not fair to me, and not fair to her. And fuck the rest of them.

So when the day came, it was almost exactly as I imagined it. I drank too much the night before, partially in hopes it would help me sleep. Which didn't work. I spent most of the night staring at the alarm clock, thinking of the 1,001 reasons why this was an incredibly stupid idea. Who did I think I was and why did I think this would work? But staying was just as bad, and at least going was different.

I stared at the clock until the alarm went off at 5:30. Getting out of bed before that would have accomplished nothing. It was a blistering hot August, and the morning was already oppressive. But I was shivering. I picked at an English muffin in the dawn light, my stomach tied in too many knots to fit any food. I had packed the car the evening before as a means of calming my nerves, which just meant nothing to do in the morning to accomplish the same feat.

At 6:00, I woke her up...although she wasn't sleeping, either. She dressed immediately and ate even less than I had. A more controlled person would have tried to calm her nerves, but I was way beyond that point...this was just gonna be hard no matter what.

She said good-bye. I didn't. I couldn't. My composure was stretched as thin as it could be. I couldn't even watch her say good-bye without a complete collapse. One friendly face, knowing my state of mind, was in the driveway at 6:15 to send me off. One last hug and whispered message that it would all be OK and to call her as much as I needed to on the way and once I got there. I couldn't even say thank you out loud. Fortunately I didn't have to. She knew me, and knows me, well enough to understand what I was thinking. A single word would have burst the dam and allowed the tears to flow.

Tears of...what...of fear? I think so. Not sadness. Of hope and possibility. And terror.

I could barely turn the key in the ignition. I was shaking harder than was healthy to drive a car. To drive a car for an entire day. I know that she was standing on the porch waving to us. I couldn't look. It was all too much. I was having trouble breathing, and trouble operating the pedals.

I was OK as we got started. She wasn't talking much, which is unusual and worrisome. But she fell asleep when we got to the highway. To this day, she sleeps in cars better than anyone I know. And it always reminds me of that moment. Thankful that she could rest. Thankful that there would be no awkward silence. Thankful that I didn't have to try and talk through a cracking voice.

Thankful that I could finally cry. And cry. And cry. Silently, but heavily. The tears poured out for nearly and hour, I think.

And then they stopped. Eyes bloodshot, cheeks salt-stained, it was time to face the future. Crying wasn't gonna do me any good after that, so it didn't make any sense to keep it up.

It was a whole new world.

And oh, what a world.

Because I am not quite THAT crazy...

For like five minutes today, I really thought it would be a good idea to take level 1 of the CFA this December. Thankfully, even I can recognize that maybe that qualifies as a little bit over-ambitious.

But that doesn't mean I won't take it in June, or that failing, next December...

What is this wet stuff falling from the sky?

I feel like I should blog today, and I have some time while the girls are napping...but I really have absolutely nothing to say:-) We are having our first rainy weather since...oh, May or so? It has really been a remarkable hot and sunny summer, which is all good by me! I have also been conveniently away from the heat, which is nice...

My biggest regret of the summer is that Tinkerbelle never got a chance to come and visit. We could just never get the timing right, and to be honest I am not sure she would have enjoyed it as much, since I would have been pretty occupied with other things. However, her Mom is gonna bring her out to visit for a couple of days in mid-September, which should be really nice! And she is old enough to travel by herself, too, so once the girls are a little older she can come out more often for weekends and such. So, I have that to look forward to!

Munchkin is in better spirits this week. She had a great time at soccer camp and is really excited for the upcoming season...she is going to start the season with the Varsity team, and has pretty high hopes of playing a lot as well. The coach has told her that she won't keep her on the team if she can't play regularly because she would rather she played all the time on the JV team than sit on the bench for the Varsity...but she thinks she can be a regular player. That would make me very proud:-)

Mostly though, she is in better spirits because Frenchie is coming to visit:-) I am like 99% looking forward to it, but just a little concerned about her state of mind when he leaves...I am feeling like she is a touch more fragile these days than she has usually been. So, stay tuned...

Back at the beach

Good morning, dearies:-) Seems awful quiet in blog-land these days, and unfortunately I don't have a whole lot to liven anything up with!

Our trip back home went very well...the girls had a very good night with Grandma and Grandpa, and The Boy and I had a wonderful time to ourselves. It involved drinks, dinner, friends and then a whole lot of sexy time. That makes this girl very happy!

Results from their doctor's appointment were pretty good. It was a bit of a shit show, because they were both cranky and tired and hungry and had to get shots and just basically didn't want any part of being at the Doctor's office. So, they had a pretty serious two-way fit that made it hard to have much of a conversation with the Doctor.

MA is progressing very nicely...she weighs almost 15 pounds and has been pretty steady on the height/weight charts since she was born. She is a really good eater and pretty much sleeps through the night at this point (most nights, at least). She spits up more than I would like, but not enough to be considered any sort of a problem.

LK is kind of a peanut, though:-) She is more like 13 pounds and has fallen to the lower levels of the weight charts. The problem is that she doesn't eat nearly as well as her sister. She has some pretty bad acid reflux that makes it really uncomfortable, and makes feeding her kind of a chore. She gets medicine for it and the medicine works, but it doesn't totally work, and she is already at the maximum dose so we can't give her any more of it. We have already tried two different medicines, and cutting dairy out of my diet (not fun!) and elevating her when she sleeps and all kinds of stuff and none of it solves the problem. If it doesn't get better we are going to have to take her to the GI clinic at Childrens Hospital and see if they have any ideas to help.

Other than that, though, they are doing great. They have gotten much better about going to sleep and rarely fight it anymore like they used to. They also giggle a lot, which is just about the cutest thing in the world. And they really love to be tucked in to bed with Mommy in the morning to take a nap after Daddy gets up:-) Sometimes, if one of them is awake, the other likes to take a little snooze with Auntie Munchkin if she is around, too.

Speaking of Munchkin, she gets back from soccer camp Sunday and then Frenchie is coming next weekend to stay for a week before school starts. And that, my friends, will be the end of the summer.

Where the heck did it go?