Wednesday, February 04, 2009

In lieu

Thanks to everyone for the insightful feedback on registering yesterday. I should correct one thing...a whole bunch of you seemed to find this to be a selfless and somewhat classy act. Before I accept your kudos, I have to admit that I would register at the Bank if it wasn't incredibly So, yes, maybe your opinion of me has changed...but I can not lie by omission for the purposes of making you love me...:-D

Many of you hit on my biggest concern...which is that a lot of people will give us gifts anyways, because they want to, and not because they feel obligated. And while I would rather them have some guidance, I feel like registering tells everyone else that you are not really serious about not wanting gifts. The phrase "No gifts please" combined with "The bride and groom are registered at Crate and Barrel" seems to be sort of disingenuous and tacky.

I think at the moment we are leaning towards including a brief note with the invitation that very, very clearly spells out our sincere wish that people not buy us gifts. I actually think that picking charities helps in that sense...because it essentially is registering in the sense that it is telling people what you want for your wedding.

In addition, there are some things that we could do that would so obviously mean a lot to us that I think it would help people get used to the idea that this is what we really want. Something has come up with The Boy that makes a particular cause really relevant, and I love Hall's Kitchen's idea of finding one or more organizations that help young children who have lost one or more parents (and may not have mega-awesome big sisters and super cool pretend families!). I think if we asked that people donate to those places, they would understand how important it was to us, and realize that we really do mean it!

That is where we are at the moment...I think we are set on not registering at any stores, but are still up in the air on what to tell people and how. More on this a it develops...

Tomorrow...more things that I owe you updates!!!


Princess Extraordinaire said...

That's an awesome charity and obviously one that would ring true to your friends and fam...I still think youre wonderful as I would've registered at the bank too if I could've..

dawn said...

LMAO @ registering at the bank. That would be brilliant!

I totally understand the dichotomy of "we don't want gifts" and then saying "we're registered at..." It makes no sense.

So the way that you're thinking of doing it sounds perfect. If you show that the charity (or charities) have significant meaning to you, it will be understood by your guests. Good thinking!

Lpeg said...

I like the charity idea. Granted, if it weren't so tacky, I'd use the Bank too!

But charity sounds great - especially in regards to kids! Or - you said SHR does the thing at the hospital with sick kids every month - any way to donate to that?

Kari said...

I live in Canada...a lot of my friends lately have been registering at (, where your guests can give you a charity gift card...I am sure in the industrious US of A there is something similar??
Great idea by the way

Kari said...

I think I found the US version (I know nothing about this site...but it might be similar!)

Ys said...

Sounds like a great idea to me. I've always found the whole registering idea pretty tacky. But then I'm not planning a wedding where all my family is going to be there... The politics involved in weddings sounds like a nightmare ;)

Irene said...

You once posted a link you got from Laurwilk to a blog from a single father who had lost his wife a day after their daughter was born. I am still reading this blog, it's He just recently established a foundation in the name of his wife for families who have lost a spouse and also created a charity gift registry for the My Stuff Bag Foundation that helps abandoned children in the US (links are on his blog). Both sound like awesome charities to me.

SoMi's Nilsa said...

I'm late to the registry conversation. But, as a recent bride, let me offer my two cents. Amazing that you don't feel you need anything on top of being sensitive to the fact your guests are shelling out a lot of money to attend your wedding. But ... as others have mentioned ... some guests will still want to buy you something. And unless you have all the faith in the world that they will buy you things you'll use or like or will be in your taste, then you should give them some guidance.

We decided not to give party gifts to our guests. Instead, we had little note cards printed up that said, "In lieu of gifts, Nilsa & Husband donated money to Charity 1 and Charity 2." While putting where you're registered is NOT customary in wedding invites (it's usually spread by word of mouth), might I suggest adding a line, "In lieu of gifts, please make a donation to a charity of your choice." Or something like that. Very classy way of passing the buck (quite literally).

Irene said...

One more thing that came to my mind,even though it might be a total no-go in the US (I have no clue about wedding planning/traditions/no-gos in the US)

We didn't want any gifts,except two or three things we especially asked for (we have everything, including a lot of junk and no space),also didn't want people to only give money (even though it is common here in Germany) and as we were going on our honeymoon the next day we wouldn't have been able to enjoy any flowers.So it was pretty tough to find something people could give us.

We decided it would give our wedding a really "personal" touch when we ask our guests to bring homemade cakes,tarts,pies,etc... We asked them to tell us in advance what they want to bring (so we wouldn't only have 10 apple pies).We only ordered the wedding cake and two small cakes my hubby really likes to eat and everything else was brought by our guests.It was fantastic,really personal and saved us some money on our catering bill.

Aaron said...

I was registered somewhere tackier than C&G. :/