Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Looking inwards

First, a note...how big a sap am I that the video for "1,2,3,4" by the Plain White Tees makes me cry? I have often acknowledged that I get emotional over stupid stuff sometimes, but this could be a new low for me. Maybe it is just the Chicago in it...

I am having kind of an introspective day today, and I am not really sure why. I think it might actually be the snow, which makes the city look absolutely stunning on a bright, sunny day like today (says the girl who doesn't have to drive on half-plowed streets;-)). When there is a lot of snow on the ground it absorbs sound, so everything is quieter and more peaceful. And that makes me thoughtful.

It makes me think about The Boy, whom I love so very dearly, and who is so perfectly and unfailingly good to me. I hope I can bring him the same happiness that he brings me everyday, but it makes me sad that there are things I can't help him with. You can't solve every problem with a hug, a really nice back rub, or breakfast in bed. Love, unfortunately, does NOT conquer all. I can be there as best as I know how, but there is a constant feeling of helplessness that wears on me.

It makes me think about my own future plans. Do I wanna go back to school? Do I wanna keep doing what I am doing? Do I wanna go in a totally different direction? I wish there was something that I felt passionately enough about that it made me willing to forego the obvious benefits of my current career.

It makes me long for summer...for Friday night drives to the beach and Saturday evening cocktails while the sun sets. I just feel like things get better in the summer.

It makes me think about my mother. About years I wish we could take back, and years I wish we could add on. But maybe it is better this way, I am not sure that I am really missing out on anything that was actually possible. Memories don't have to always reflect reality. Still, there are times I wish I could call her. Or some more idealized version of her.

It makes me think about how fortunate I am, and wish that my good fortune could be transferred to some other people. Not in the major life-changing sense, just that I wish I could get people out of their ruts sometimes.

And it makes me think about what is really important, and what gets more of my thoughts than it really should.

Anyway, I am rambling...but that is just what you are gonna get today;-)


laurwilk said...

Aww, I like this post. I love crazy, goofy, carefree (sexually explicit?) AM but I'm liking a post full of thoughts today!

And even though you might not think it's enough - I'm sure you really do help The Boy through some of the more difficult times. You can't fix it but I'm sure he is happy you are by his side when things sort of suck.

P.S. Where are you?!

Heather said...

I am PMSing. Which means I'll be having an introspective few days, too. lol. *sigh*

Trucker-mouth Wife said...

I too really like that video. I like how they make it personal. It also could, in part, be a Chicago thing for me too :)

Ys said...

I think it's good to have thoughtful days sometimes, to look back, to wish for better, to be thankful for this and regretful of that. What's the point in living if you can't look back some days?

But I have to disagree with one thing: love does conquer all. In my world anyway ;)

Rachel H. said...

I like this post too! I like all the random thoughts! And I too am sure that you do help the Boy and do much more for him than you will ever know.