Sweet Dreams

I slept like I was dead last night...and it was awesome! Munchkin and Smoking Hot Roommate were watching baseball, so I went to be at about 8:30. Being kind of tired, I asked The Boy if he would give his very sleepy and super adorable girlfriend a back rub:-) Yes, this is one of my very favorite forms of foreplay, and yes, that is fully what I had in mind at the time.

So I got undressed and stretched out in bed. Then he started rubbing my shoulders. Then it was 7:15 and The Boy was telling me I had to wake up to go to work...lol. I think I was awake for less than 60 seconds after my head hit the pillow. And I didn't wake up when he came to bed, or when he got up at about 6:30...(seriously, falling asleep before sex? I am not sure that has ever happened before.)

Wait a minute...maybe he never even came to bed!!! Maybe him and Smoking Hot Roommate are having an affair behind my back!!! Sorry...the paranoia needs a new outlet this week:-)

As a result, I feel much better today, although I am still kinda looking forward to going back to sleep tonight:-) In addition, I need to rest up, because this weekend is gonna be one heck of a bender, and I can't wait!

As I have mentioned, my very dear Big Sis (my pretend older sister, not to be confused with my pretend younger sister, or my two real younger half-sisters) is getting married on Saturday, July 28. She is one of my very favorite people on Earth, one of my heroes, and someone I would very much like to be more like if I could. I am happy beyond words that she has found a wonderful, loving guy that makes her laugh, challenges her and just basically makes her happy. Also, he is kinda easy on the eyes;-)

But that doesn't mean that we can't tear some shit up on one of her last weekends as a single girl:-) The basic plan goes something like this...golf on Friday afternoon with all of the boys from the bachelor party. This is kind of a late addition to the agenda...the guys were already golfing, but since Big Sis, Munchkin and I took the game up last month, we (and two other girls) are playing with them. Yes, it is likely that SHR will take all of their money before they realize that she is WAY better than any of them. And they won't even care because she is just so ridiculously hot...lol.

After golf, we are having a barbecue at Big Sis and SHR's cousin's house (which happens to be the house they grew up in, which their cousin bought from Papa Bear...get it?) This, too, is a boys and girls affair and will allow all sorts of various parents and relatives to attend some part of the festivities that aren't completely debaucherous. Mostly, Big Sis wanted to do it so that the littlest bridesmaid didn't feel too left out:-) (She already got ticked that we didn't bring her to London:-P)

From there we are splitting up with the boys. I have no idea what they are doing, and I feel like I don't wanna know...lol. As for us, we are hoping to blow outta town by about 9:00 on Friday and head to one of the casinos in Connecticut for the night. Since the bride and her maid of honor are both compulsive gamblers (I kid...sort of) we have to get some casino time in. We will probably also drink a lot:-) Just a hunch.

On Saturday we are going to Newport, which should be awesome. Hopefully, we can get everyone up and moving at a decent hour so that I can get some time on the beach! Or at least by a pool:-) Then we are just gonna go out, drink, dance, tease boys and just basically have fun. I make jokes about debauchery, but it will most certainly be pretty innocent. Or maybe not;-)

Anyway, that is enough for today:-) Hope everyone has a good Tuesday.

Long weekend and good news from the doctor

I should apologize ahead of time...this post is going to be long, and I think kind of rambly. Even though the weekend was really nice and very relaxing, I didn't sleep much, so I am kinda skippy. But...I am feeling a million times better now than I was last week, so everything is good:-)

First, the back story: I have a lump. A really scary, suspicious, dangerously placed one. It is just off the outside edge of my left breast, and it appeared out of nowhere and it is pretty big...like there is an M&M under my skin (OK, one of the little baking M&M's). I found it last Sunday when I was taking a shower, and immediately went into a panic. I know I can be fatalistic and all, but girls get taught from a very young age that lumps are nothing to be trifled with, so I was pretty concerned. The fact that there was no one around made it worse.

So I started worrying. Because that is what I do, I worry. I called the doctor first thing and she asked me a couple of questions about it and said "It is likely just a regular old cyst and is nothing you need to worry about, but why don't you come in and I will take a look at it." I was sort of reassured, but not completely. And the first chance I could get there was this morning (a week later) which meant a whole week's worth of worrying.

I told Smoking Hot Roommate, and I told both of the BFFs, but that was it. It was good to talk about it, but I still didn't sleep on Monday. Tuesday was a little better because SHR was home and that made me feel better. The Boy and I left for New Hampshire on Wednesday, and I decided not to tell him. I probably should have, but he is a worry wart just like me, and there was nothing he could do, so I didn't see any percentages in telling him then. It could wait until we were back.

The spot in New Hampshire was really beautiful. They had rented three houses right next to each other on a little inlet on Lake Winnipesaukee and a large revolving cast of aunts, uncles and cousins were in and out all week. There was a lot of activity going on...fishing, swimming, etc...but I really just basically sat on the dock or the back porch and enjoyed the peace and quiet. Friday was the best...everyone was out of the house all morning, and I had the whole place to myself to catch up on some work (re: send emails and IM's) and some other random stuff.

But...I still couldn't sleep. And I tried everything...I tried having a few drinks before bed, masturbating, turning a fan on for some white noise...but none of it worked. I spent the night either staring at the ceiling or tossing fitfully. I had my own room, which was both good and bad...good because I didn't keep anyone awake, bad because I was all alone.

Well, not entirely alone:-) The Boy's uncle has a big, goofy adorable Rottweiler named Otto that kept me company. But, I was so paranoid that even that made me worry...LOL. From the second I got there, the dog just latched onto me and followed me everywhere. Which is totally fine, I love dogs, and the bigger and smellier the better. But then on Friday I remembered a thing about dogs that could smell cancer, and I became convinced that he was following me because he could tell I had a tumor.

I think by Saturday I was maybe worrying myself a little sick, and it was starting to show. Three straight nights spent worrying about what I would do if I really was sick...can I keep a 12 year old if I am going through chemotherapy? Would I have to quit my job? What if it was more serious than that?...was showing, I think. Then Saturday night was really bad...I couldn't sleep at all.

This despite the fact that I watched Nascar and my favorite driver did pretty well (bet you didn't know I have a favorite Nascar driver...I am full of surprises...)

At about 4:00, I decided that I should go for a walk, so I went out and walked up around the neighborhood towards the town a bit. It was really, really freakishly quiet. No streetlights, no cars, no planes...just some random insect noises. And the jingling of the dog's collar:-) (I certainly wasn't gonna walk around at night in a completely secluded strange place without something to protect me!!! Of course, since he weighs about 125 pounds, he was doing the walking and I was doing the following...)

Anyway, The Boy's mother gets up really early, and once I heard her at about 6:00, I got up with her. She knows me well enough by now to know that I don't get up at 6:00am voluntarily, so seeing me everyday that early had kinda tipped her off that I wasn't right. She asked me in her really super sweet motherly way what was bothering me, and then suggested we go and sit down on the dock and talk for a while.

So here I go stealing other people's parents again...lol (a psychiatrist would have a field day with me...) But in all seriousness, this is the kind of conversation that I always wish I could have had with my mother. I told her what was wrong, and she gave me a hug and told me that whatever happened, there would be lots of people in my corner. Which I know, but it was just better to hear her say it. And I may have possible cried a little bit (or a lot:-)). She told me some things that I never knew (and I am not sure her kids know...so take that:-P), including something about The Boy that was so cute I just get all warm and fuzzy feelings thinking about it.

By the time everyone else woke up...probably almost 9:00, I was feeling much better. Still scared, but I felt better. I managed to wash up a bit before anyone saw that I had been crying for like two hours...lol.

I told The Boy the whole story in the car on the way home. At first he was actually sort of pissed because I hadn't told him yet, and then I got mad at him for being mad at me. Seriously, who is the one dying of incredibly aggressive cancer here? (Yea, my mind may have used the week to think of progressively worse possible diagnoses...) But eventually he got back to being the super-sweet boyfriend that he always is. Also, he probably wanted to get laid when we got home...lol (Or...maybe that was me?)

Smoking Hot Roommate and Munchkin got home about an hour after we did, and it was awesome to see the little one! I hadn't seen her in a week and I really missed her...and can't believe how tan she got! Also, there is a new boyfriend, but that will have to wait until another day.

Back to my story...I was at the doctor's office at 8:30 this morning, and was completely terrified. I still didn't sleep much last night, so I was exhausted, too. The good news is that the doctor took one look and announced "Yup, nothing to worry about. It is just a little deposit of fatty tissue, people get them all the time." So I asked her if it needed to be removed, and she said "No, it is totally harmless. There is no reason to remove it unless it gets bigger or is in a place that gets irritated." So then I asked "What about if it is gonna make me go crazy with paranoid worry?" and she said that yes, maybe it would be a good idea to remove it...

So that is where I am...super relieved and happy to be me:-) I know that maybe I was being overly paranoid and hysterical, but I can't help it...that is just who I am. Like I said last week, basically I have my shit together, but sometimes I reserve the right to be nuts for a couple days at a time:-)

This weekend is Big Sis' bachelorette party, which I will write about later on. Then her wedding is in two and a half weeks, and then I am having surgery the following week. And then there goes July...lol.

Leaving for some R&R

Happy Fourth of July everyone:-) This remains one of my favorite holidays, if only because it is an excuse for a long weekend and a party in the summer. And that is always a good thing in my book. I doubt anyone is reading today, but I have some time before I leave and won't write anything until at least Monday...so you will all have five days to read this. And, ahem...comment. I will probably be able to approve comments once or twice a day while I am gone, but I don't plan on writing.

Thanks for your kind words via comment and email and IM yesterday. Unfortunately, I am not in a general "Oh, woe is me" kinda funk...it is something specific. Something that I will go into when it is over, which will hopefully be soon. I don't feel a whole lot better today but at least I am more well rested. I really crashed last night and slept pretty well, so I am moderately refreshed. Smoking Hot Roommate came home around dinnertime, and we went out for some people-watching, appetizers and drinks. It was a beautiful night and the company was absolutely top notch. She always makes me feel better:-)

She just left a little while ago for the beach. Big Sis and the Brain Surgeon have been down there since Friday night and have had Munchkin, and now SHR and the Rocket Scientist are taking their own little vacation and will keep an eye on the little one. I am extraordinarily lucky to have such a big group of babysitters. But I miss her, too:-( I sent a hug down for her:-) I'm such a dork...

The Boy has been camping with a couple friends someplace south of Asscrack, VT and should be here shortly. Once he cleans up, we are gonna hit the road to see his parents. I don't even want to guess how bad he is gonna smell...lol. I'm willing to clean him up, though...hee hee.

I am going to have a much longer and more serious post on Monday (probably). But in the meantime, that's about it...I hope everyone has a good holiday and tries to get a little bit of time off. Enjoy the fireworks and the barbecues and the family and all the stuff that you like about life:-)

And if you see Munchkin, give her a hug from me:-)

Just lay off already, Big Guy

I am going to apologize ahead of time, this may be kinda depressing. But I am not having a real good morning, nor a good week. I didn't really sleep last night, which is complicating things. And I miss Munchkin but I also don't want her to come home. The Boy is away and totally out of touch from civilization until tomorrow morning. Smoking Hot Roommate is away, too, although I can at least talk to her and the BFFs.

I hate feeling like I have to rely on people, but I could really stand to not be alone today. The normally gorgeous apartment just seemed old, big, empty and scary last night. I guess the good news is that I know none of them will read this today, so I don't mind spilling a bit. And I asked The Boy's Sister not to read, and I don't think she will.

Mostly, I wish I had a Mom. Not just that I wish my mother were still alive, because that wouldn't do me much good. I mean that I really wish that I had someone that was my Mom that did all the things, and said all the things, and listened to all the things that Mom's are supposed to. Whatever, I am full of shit...I have never had a real Mom, so I don't even know what it feels like. It is probably not as good as I like to imagine it is.

Usually, I pretty much have my shit together. I think I have more responsibility than most people I know that are my age, but I get a lot of help from some really great people, and I manage OK. Truth be told, I kind of like feeling needed. And I am pretty tough. I may be little, and I may look fragile, but I am a pretty tough cookie.

But seriously...I don't want any more shit. No father? Fine, I will manage. Drunk for a mother? I'll get over it. Growing up surrounded by drugs, gangs and guns? I can keep my head down and get through it. Surprise children? Easy. Being sued and stolen from by various family members? Live and learn. Life threatening infectious diseases? I got the message.

But I feel like that's enough. I just wanna, I don't know...not have this kinda shit for a while. I think that would be nice. I don't need any more help, I don't want anyone's sympathy...I just want to be normal. I want shit to stop happening to me that shouldn't. I'm a good person, and I don't deserve it.

Anyway, sorry to be really vague and kind of a bummer the day before a holiday. Normally I would really be looking forward to going away (The Boy's parents and his father's brother and sister have rented houses on a lake in New Hampshire for the week and we are going up to stay with them), and I know it will be fun. And it will be good for me, but there is a part of me that wants to just sit in my living room, watch stupid TV, eat ice cream and sulk for a while.

Ironic: when you feel most alone, you just want to be left alone.

The Fam is Gone

I only have a little time to blog today, and it is sorta late in the day. And truth be told I am in kind of a shitty mood, but I am not gonna go into it. Maybe next week. The weekend was really nice, so I can tell you about that:-)

We had fun Friday, and then Saturday was absolutely beautiful, so the family got one last beach day in before we had to leave. I was really sad to see them go...it was great to see them, great to show them "my world" and really just a lot of fun to hang out with them as much as I got the chance to. Mostly I just miss my little Tinkerbelle:-( It is sort of frustrating to find a little sister you never knew about, and only get to see her a couple of days a year. I guess I am glad I get at least that much, but I wish I could see her more. Maybe as she gets older and can travel on her own...

Anyway, my aunts and uncles put together a sort-of Thank You package for Papa Bear and Smoking Hot Roommate and Big Sis for being so nice, and letting them use the house. I tried to tell them ahead of time that they are just that nice...but you sorta have to see it to really get the idea:-) I couldn't think of a better pretend family to have been quasi-adopted by:-)

Munchkin is still at the beach...she stayed down there with Big Sis and The Brain Surgeon, who are taking a little mini-vacation through Wednesday. So I have a couple more days to be off the leash a bit, which is kinda nice. But then I miss her, so I don't know what I want:-P

That's about it. Sorry for the short post, but no one is gonna be reading today anyway. Or tomorrow, but I am sure I will write tomorrow, too. Going away for a long weekend with The Boy and his family Wednesday to Sunday, which should be good, I will write more about that tomorrow.