Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Just lay off already, Big Guy

I am going to apologize ahead of time, this may be kinda depressing. But I am not having a real good morning, nor a good week. I didn't really sleep last night, which is complicating things. And I miss Munchkin but I also don't want her to come home. The Boy is away and totally out of touch from civilization until tomorrow morning. Smoking Hot Roommate is away, too, although I can at least talk to her and the BFFs.

I hate feeling like I have to rely on people, but I could really stand to not be alone today. The normally gorgeous apartment just seemed old, big, empty and scary last night. I guess the good news is that I know none of them will read this today, so I don't mind spilling a bit. And I asked The Boy's Sister not to read, and I don't think she will.

Mostly, I wish I had a Mom. Not just that I wish my mother were still alive, because that wouldn't do me much good. I mean that I really wish that I had someone that was my Mom that did all the things, and said all the things, and listened to all the things that Mom's are supposed to. Whatever, I am full of shit...I have never had a real Mom, so I don't even know what it feels like. It is probably not as good as I like to imagine it is.

Usually, I pretty much have my shit together. I think I have more responsibility than most people I know that are my age, but I get a lot of help from some really great people, and I manage OK. Truth be told, I kind of like feeling needed. And I am pretty tough. I may be little, and I may look fragile, but I am a pretty tough cookie.

But seriously...I don't want any more shit. No father? Fine, I will manage. Drunk for a mother? I'll get over it. Growing up surrounded by drugs, gangs and guns? I can keep my head down and get through it. Surprise children? Easy. Being sued and stolen from by various family members? Live and learn. Life threatening infectious diseases? I got the message.

But I feel like that's enough. I just wanna, I don't know...not have this kinda shit for a while. I think that would be nice. I don't need any more help, I don't want anyone's sympathy...I just want to be normal. I want shit to stop happening to me that shouldn't. I'm a good person, and I don't deserve it.

Anyway, sorry to be really vague and kind of a bummer the day before a holiday. Normally I would really be looking forward to going away (The Boy's parents and his father's brother and sister have rented houses on a lake in New Hampshire for the week and we are going up to stay with them), and I know it will be fun. And it will be good for me, but there is a part of me that wants to just sit in my living room, watch stupid TV, eat ice cream and sulk for a while.

Ironic: when you feel most alone, you just want to be left alone.

14 comments:

Heather said...

It is ironic. Strange and ironic. But, therapeutic, too.

Anonymous said...

There are a zillion things that I could say about admiring you for everything you've been through and done, but I think when you feel like you feel, you'd rather not hear any of it. It's okay to sometimes want a different life.

The best advice I can give to you is get some sleep. Everything looks worse when you're tired. A friend told me once that the difference between hope and despair is a good night's sleep. She was right.

Accidentally Me said...

Heather - I am not feeling really therapied today, but I know what you mean.

Anon - I don't really want a different life. I just want mine with one less thing today. And I do need some sleep, but I won't sleep tonight, either.

ella w. said...

You probably already know this, but if you didn't go through these hardships, you wouldn't be where you are today - surrounded by people who love you and two awesome little sisters (as well as pretend sisters).

That being said, maybe it's was the excitement of having the whole family in town and then the sadness of them leaving which is making you feel blue?

I'm Not Carrie Bradshaw said...

I understand what you mean (although I haven't had to deal with nearly what you have)about the mom part. My mom is still living but she is definitely not the parent and I also have a 6 year old brother I am helping care for. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like just to be a *normal* twentysomething with only work to worry about.

Scotty said...

I think everyone, in some way or another, want something different. Try to get some good sleep, look up and forward to things you are looking forward to seeing/doing. Thats what I usually do.

Ally said...

I vote for going home early, eating some ice cream, and chilling out.

And yes, when I'm down I prefer to be alone too--I don't want to bring anyone else down, and I know it'll pass. I hope it passes soon AM. You're in my thoughts.

nicole d. said...

I have no idea what is going on but I'm on your side :)

Accidentally Me said...

Aww...you guys are all really sweet. I appreciate all the kind words, I really do:-)

notbubbly said...

I think your vacation will work wonders even if you want some alone time right now.

Have fun and just remember: one day at a time!

OC said...

Keep your head up. Like you said, you're a tough cookie. Get a good night's sleep, have some ice cream/wine/whatever works and tackle the problems of life tomorrow. It'll be ok. :)

Kate said...

i hear ya. we kind of went thru the same things growing up- no dad, a whacked out mother. grew up way too fast, had to raise my siblings. cancer, drugs, you name it. it's been never-ending. and just when i think that maybe things will settle down and i can have a somewhat life, something happens to wake me up again. it is what it is. this is my lot in life. all i can do is look on the bright side and be appreciative of what i do have. because it can always be worse. even though sometimes that's really hard to remember.

hang in there, babe.

Still just me said...

Dad died when I was 14, Mom, who lives only an hour away, hasn't spoke to me in 3 years. I can sort of relate. I am sending out good thoughts your way.

2xA+r0n said...

It IS as good as you think it is.

If/when you're a parent: break the cycle.