Monday, July 09, 2007

Long weekend and good news from the doctor

I should apologize ahead of time...this post is going to be long, and I think kind of rambly. Even though the weekend was really nice and very relaxing, I didn't sleep much, so I am kinda skippy. But...I am feeling a million times better now than I was last week, so everything is good:-)

First, the back story: I have a lump. A really scary, suspicious, dangerously placed one. It is just off the outside edge of my left breast, and it appeared out of nowhere and it is pretty big...like there is an M&M under my skin (OK, one of the little baking M&M's). I found it last Sunday when I was taking a shower, and immediately went into a panic. I know I can be fatalistic and all, but girls get taught from a very young age that lumps are nothing to be trifled with, so I was pretty concerned. The fact that there was no one around made it worse.

So I started worrying. Because that is what I do, I worry. I called the doctor first thing and she asked me a couple of questions about it and said "It is likely just a regular old cyst and is nothing you need to worry about, but why don't you come in and I will take a look at it." I was sort of reassured, but not completely. And the first chance I could get there was this morning (a week later) which meant a whole week's worth of worrying.

I told Smoking Hot Roommate, and I told both of the BFFs, but that was it. It was good to talk about it, but I still didn't sleep on Monday. Tuesday was a little better because SHR was home and that made me feel better. The Boy and I left for New Hampshire on Wednesday, and I decided not to tell him. I probably should have, but he is a worry wart just like me, and there was nothing he could do, so I didn't see any percentages in telling him then. It could wait until we were back.

The spot in New Hampshire was really beautiful. They had rented three houses right next to each other on a little inlet on Lake Winnipesaukee and a large revolving cast of aunts, uncles and cousins were in and out all week. There was a lot of activity going on...fishing, swimming, etc...but I really just basically sat on the dock or the back porch and enjoyed the peace and quiet. Friday was the best...everyone was out of the house all morning, and I had the whole place to myself to catch up on some work (re: send emails and IM's) and some other random stuff.

But...I still couldn't sleep. And I tried everything...I tried having a few drinks before bed, masturbating, turning a fan on for some white noise...but none of it worked. I spent the night either staring at the ceiling or tossing fitfully. I had my own room, which was both good and bad...good because I didn't keep anyone awake, bad because I was all alone.

Well, not entirely alone:-) The Boy's uncle has a big, goofy adorable Rottweiler named Otto that kept me company. But, I was so paranoid that even that made me worry...LOL. From the second I got there, the dog just latched onto me and followed me everywhere. Which is totally fine, I love dogs, and the bigger and smellier the better. But then on Friday I remembered a thing about dogs that could smell cancer, and I became convinced that he was following me because he could tell I had a tumor.

I think by Saturday I was maybe worrying myself a little sick, and it was starting to show. Three straight nights spent worrying about what I would do if I really was sick...can I keep a 12 year old if I am going through chemotherapy? Would I have to quit my job? What if it was more serious than that?...was showing, I think. Then Saturday night was really bad...I couldn't sleep at all.

This despite the fact that I watched Nascar and my favorite driver did pretty well (bet you didn't know I have a favorite Nascar driver...I am full of surprises...)

At about 4:00, I decided that I should go for a walk, so I went out and walked up around the neighborhood towards the town a bit. It was really, really freakishly quiet. No streetlights, no cars, no planes...just some random insect noises. And the jingling of the dog's collar:-) (I certainly wasn't gonna walk around at night in a completely secluded strange place without something to protect me!!! Of course, since he weighs about 125 pounds, he was doing the walking and I was doing the following...)

Anyway, The Boy's mother gets up really early, and once I heard her at about 6:00, I got up with her. She knows me well enough by now to know that I don't get up at 6:00am voluntarily, so seeing me everyday that early had kinda tipped her off that I wasn't right. She asked me in her really super sweet motherly way what was bothering me, and then suggested we go and sit down on the dock and talk for a while.

So here I go stealing other people's parents again...lol (a psychiatrist would have a field day with me...) But in all seriousness, this is the kind of conversation that I always wish I could have had with my mother. I told her what was wrong, and she gave me a hug and told me that whatever happened, there would be lots of people in my corner. Which I know, but it was just better to hear her say it. And I may have possible cried a little bit (or a lot:-)). She told me some things that I never knew (and I am not sure her kids know...so take that:-P), including something about The Boy that was so cute I just get all warm and fuzzy feelings thinking about it.

By the time everyone else woke up...probably almost 9:00, I was feeling much better. Still scared, but I felt better. I managed to wash up a bit before anyone saw that I had been crying for like two hours...lol.

I told The Boy the whole story in the car on the way home. At first he was actually sort of pissed because I hadn't told him yet, and then I got mad at him for being mad at me. Seriously, who is the one dying of incredibly aggressive cancer here? (Yea, my mind may have used the week to think of progressively worse possible diagnoses...) But eventually he got back to being the super-sweet boyfriend that he always is. Also, he probably wanted to get laid when we got home...lol (Or...maybe that was me?)

Smoking Hot Roommate and Munchkin got home about an hour after we did, and it was awesome to see the little one! I hadn't seen her in a week and I really missed her...and can't believe how tan she got! Also, there is a new boyfriend, but that will have to wait until another day.

Back to my story...I was at the doctor's office at 8:30 this morning, and was completely terrified. I still didn't sleep much last night, so I was exhausted, too. The good news is that the doctor took one look and announced "Yup, nothing to worry about. It is just a little deposit of fatty tissue, people get them all the time." So I asked her if it needed to be removed, and she said "No, it is totally harmless. There is no reason to remove it unless it gets bigger or is in a place that gets irritated." So then I asked "What about if it is gonna make me go crazy with paranoid worry?" and she said that yes, maybe it would be a good idea to remove it...

So that is where I am...super relieved and happy to be me:-) I know that maybe I was being overly paranoid and hysterical, but I can't help it...that is just who I am. Like I said last week, basically I have my shit together, but sometimes I reserve the right to be nuts for a couple days at a time:-)

This weekend is Big Sis' bachelorette party, which I will write about later on. Then her wedding is in two and a half weeks, and then I am having surgery the following week. And then there goes July...lol.

11 comments:

Leiselb said...

Girl, being paranoid JUST means that life is a tad more intense and colorful for us,eh?;)Glad you're ok and glad you're feeling skippy. :)

k.d. said...

all in all - good news. good to see you in best shape! =)

The Boy's Twin Sister said...

I was wondering what was bugging you all week. I wish you had told me, but I am really glad that it turned out OK and that you are feeling more like yourself today. I was a little bit worried that the constant nagging by annoying aunts and uncles about marriage had made you hate our whole family! I am happy to hear that this is not the case.

We do need to talk about these things my Mom has been telling you, though.

e.b. said...

Oh phew - so glad things worked out for the best. Your ominous posts last week had us/me worried.

Accidentally Me said...

Liesel - I would rather worry less, but it is just me. "Motherhood" has mellowed me a bit, but I still worry too much for my own good!

k.d. - The "best" shape may be overstating it...lol

TBTS - :-P Naa naa ni boo boo...I have a secret. I didn't wanna tell any of you and put a damper on your vacation. You all are so nice to me, I just wanted to let you all relax and enjoy the time together. But you Mom's "Mom powers" were too much and wore me down!

e.b. - I was kinda terrified on my own. I have a very active imagination...:-)

ella said...

I was thinking about you today. I am so glad that everything is okay - I knew it would be.

OC said...

I'm glad you're okay! And you are not alone with the overactive imagination... we all do it. Glad you got it checked out and got the all clear :)

Scotty said...

Wow, glad to hear everything turned out well.

2xA+r0n said...

I don't know what surprises me more:
1. You watch NASCAR
2. You now have a 3rd nipple! :O

Ally said...

You have such an overactive imagination!! I'll bet you dreamed up all sorts of scary stuff when you were a child. Anyway, I'm relieved by the good news. Hope you're resting better now!

Accidentally Me said...

Ella - Thanks:-) And thanks for listening to my paranoid ramblings last week:-)

OC and Ally - I did always assume there were evil monsters under my bed and in the closet...lol

Scotty - Thanks, me too!

2X - I don't really watch Nascar that often, but I do have a favorite driver...kind of a long story. Actually, not that long:-)

As for the third nipple...I have no response...lol