Sunday, January 06, 2008


The move is over and done with (the unpacking? not so much) and went pretty smoothly. The movers were on time, very professional and very fast, so it all got done pretty easily. I had dinner with SHR and The Rocket Scientist, and then I came back to start unpacking. I went out for a bit to meet someone for a drink, but now am back at home. Tonight, my first night in the new/old place, I am alone, and that leads to entirely too much thinking.

There are times that I really enjoy solitude, but for the most part, I don't do well with being alone. This is something my therapist has noted more than once. Munchkin is still away, The Boy is at his parents house tonight, and I declined Smoking Hot Roommate's invitation to sleep at the old place...this is her first night of living with The Rocket Scientist, and I don't want to intrude. She knows of my inability to be alone, though, and was just looking out for me.

Basically, I am a big fucking baby. I am 25 years old and I am scared of being alone by myself at night. I guess I wish The Boy decided to stay with me instead of going to his parents, but I also could have actually told him that. I try to avoid saying things and not meaning them and hoping that he gets the hidden message...but I was sort of lying when I told him he should go.

So, I dunno. I feel surprisingly at home. This place fits really well, and I know it is gonna be a great home. The feeling reminds me of a really old, heavy men's Abercrombie wool sweater that I stole from a friend after he let me borrow it a couple years makes me feel better just to put it on. I am excited to think that I could live here for 5 years. Or 10. Or 15. I can see myself being here for a very long time, and have discussed that with the two other people who might get a vote;-)

I am also scared. Not just of being by myself, but of being more of a grown-up. While I have paid rent while I lived with SHR, the truth is that she was always the adult and I was never really a grown-up. She paid all the bills, took care of all of the things that needed to be fixed, bought all the furniture and really did all the responsible things. The rent that I paid is nowhere near a "market" rent. I have never had my name on a utility bill before (unless you count a cell phone or car insurance.)

It probably sounds kinda stupid...I felt responsible enough to take custody of a child, but not enough to call the fucking cable company. But I have never had to make sure that all of the little household details were taken care of, and it just seems like there are a lot of them to keep track of. I have done plenty of budgeting, so I don't anticipate any problems in paying for it (and no, I am still not paying anything close to a real rent)'s just all of the details. Like...I don't know where the furnace is, what to do if the heat stops working, or who to call...

Yes, I am aware that all 100 million households in America have somehow solved this mystery...

On the plus side, I do get the master bedroom! That means a big king bed and a kick-ass bathroom with a giant tub. When we lived here before, Munchkin and I shared a bathroom, but we will each have our own now. Speaking of the little one, I talked to her tonight, and she is ready to come home. I think there has been some sixth-grade drama and she is ready to be home and back into her routine.

She has had a wonderful time, and I remain extremely grateful that she is able to do these things. She is really a great kid, and a remarkable person, and she deserves to do all of the cool things that she gets to.

I guess I just wish she was here so that I could make her sleep in my giant king bed tonight.

Next Morning Update: Guess who showed up with coffee and bagels (and to return my car:-P) at 8:30 this morning to spend the first morning in the new place with me? He is very much the sweetheart:-)


Scotty said...

I liked the label.. 'silly', yes :)

You'll get used to it soon enough!

Still just me said...

You will find that you will become more independent as time goes by. You will learn where everything is, and as you do it, it will boost your confidence.

OC said...

Aww, sweet! Glad the move went well. And all that adult stuff jut kind of works itself out. You have a big enough support group to call someone when the toilet doesn't stop running or those pesky household things that just seem to happen.

Hope your first night with Munchkin goes well!

k.d. said...

congrats! i'm glad all went well.

Lpeg said...

I'm glad your move went well... alot better than mine! And don't be scared about being a grown up... it's not so hard, and you will get used to it pretty quickly. There are things you'll come across that you won't know how to do, but that is what The Boy and SHR are for! Ask all the questions you need - you have a great support network.

Goodluck with the new place. You'll do just fine :)

nicole d. said...

I think you are more adult than you think. Not too many people your age are responsible enough to take care of a 12 yr old they did not give birth to, and even then... You probably had to be an adult while you were growing up with your mother, so I think you can have your kid moments now that there are some people to take care of you for a change. Enjoy it while you can, because life just keeps getting more complicated over time. (Yes, that is me approaching my next milestone birthday talking. sigh.)

MWGirl said...

I'm 24 years old and terrified of being home alone. Too bad we don't live closer to each other. :)

AaroN said...

Really, how much drama is there to be discovered in 6th grade?

I can't wait to hear about the home improvement projects of having your own place. :P