Thursday, March 01, 2007

Wake me up, before you Go-Go

I will assume from the lack of comments that you all think I am an evil bitch...I guess the truth had to come out at some point;-) And if you had any doubts, how is that for a horribly tasteless Blog Post Title?

Today I am going to talk about the wake, which was Tuesday night, because it was really weird. But, after this, tomorrow you get a really fun post, I promise!

First things first, there was a brief memorial service, which was really just a designated quiet time for my Aunts and Uncles to meet, share some thoughts, and read some things that they felt appropriate for the occasion. To be honest, I felt really out of place... They all knew him, loved him, will mourn him, and feel a sense of loss over his passing. I felt like I was infringing on their time together to say goodbye to their brother.

After that, all my cousins (including Tinkerbelle and her Mom) joined us for dinner. That was actually really nice...nothing fancy, but a good chance to see everyone and say 'Hi'. One of my cousins is a senior in college, and he has two interviews in Boston next week...I think it would be really neat if he moved out here. I am single-handedly trying to relocate the entire Chicago metropolitan area to be closer to me...Lol.

My expectations of the wake were not remotely close to the reality. Honestly, I didn't thin it would be that big a deal. I figured that the people who came would largely be friends of my Aunts and Uncles coming to show support and pass along good wishes. I didn't think I would know many people at all, and outside of the BFFs, I didn't really expect that anyone would come just because they knew me.

The weirdness was really in two parts. First, it is really hard to explain that you didn't have a relationship with someone in a very short time. Typical example: A seemingly nice middle-aged woman approached and said "Hi, I am Sally Smileyface, I am Sweet Aunt #2's neighbor. I am so sorry for your loss." Now, Sally Smileyface obviously knows my aunt, and they have been crying briefly...likely because she has a brother the same age and it made her think of him and yada, yada, yada.

Well, it is really hard to say "I appreciate it, but I didn't really lose anything. Please, spend time with Sweet Aunt, she needs you attention more than I do." The alternative is to either feign sadness (I am not a good actress) or look like a cold-hearted bitch. Now, repeat that scenario like 70 times. So, I ended up with a whole bunch of awkward "Thank you for coming," moments.

This is why I think it is a really good idea that Tinkerbelle didn't come. It was weird enough for me, and I can't imagine how confusing it would be for a seven-year-old who never met her father. It would have been a lot of conflicting emotions.

A surprising number of people who identified themselves as my father's friends showed up as well, and none of them were as shady as I would have imagined. I guess it is sort of a self-filtering process...only people who are moderately respectable think to show up at a wake anyway. I guess I was surprised that he knew that many normal people. I had a really, really interesting conversation with a guy that was one of his best friends in high school and who he had remained in touch with, if not really close. I guess it was nice to see him from a little different, less-useless side.

What really surprised and sort of overwhelmed me was the number of people who showed up just to see me. A lot of old friends from High School came, and it was really great to see them. I don't really know how they found out (my father's name is spelled differently than mine, so you would have to read pretty deep into the obituary to get to "He leaves behind a daughter, AM, of Boston, MA") but word must have gotten around somehow.

The Judge came with his wife, an old boss that I still talk to came, some old neighbors, some of my Mom's family, two teachers. Again, I don't really know how they all found out (do people really read the obituaries that much?) but it was good to see them all. As the night went on, and I saw more and more people that I didn't expect to, I started to get a little more emotional about the whole thing. Not about my father, but about all the people who can do really, really nice things that you don't expect them to. And about how important it is to just show up and be present sometimes.

I know people often feel like they don't know what to say at wakes and funerals. Really, just showing up is 95% of the good gesture, and everything else is just a detail.

7 comments:

ella said...

It's a testament to human nature that when tragedy strikes, we tend to bond together. I'm glad that you had many unexpected visitors.

Aaron said...

Based on your description, I would assume you handled it well. Many people show up as much as a sign of respect to the deceased as to those still living. I'm willing to bet that a lot of these strangers may not have known that your father wasn't really involved in your life. Maybe they did? Maybe they didn't? Who knows.

Just as it was a kind gesture for you to show up to the funeral for your family, so did these individuals show up for you. I think that's a kind gesture and I don't think that even you could be a cold-hearted bitch about that. :)

k.d. said...

i'm glad you're back and doing fine! =)

Anonymous said...

OK - so you've just touched on a thing with me. I have a daughter 2 yrs older than Tinkerbelle; she has never met her father; he's useless too! She remembers her sister who would be about 21 now. I raised her also from 6-16 and went away. I now have remarried and have 2 other kids, but I'm sure there are questions BlueEyes has about her father. My soapbox answer has always been "he couldn't take care of us"; but, I know that's not going to always cover it. I know her father hasn't changed or he'd look for her; his family is basically useless too (you got lucky). I want to reconnect with her sister and brother, but they are still in contact with their father and I definitely don't want to draw him out!!! What happens if he dies and she never gets to meet him? Wouldn't that be a bit of a letdown for her - I'm sure she has hard questions he should have to answer...Was Tinkerbelle curious? Do you think she'll regret not having known him?
Hmmmm. Sorry, broke in here - don't normally leave comments....Oh, and it's 65° here in NC!

Ally said...

I love the post title.

And I like the line "how important it is to just show up and be present sometimes." It's not about doing or saying anything but just being there. So I am glad you were there--and that so many of your friends were too.

Accidentally Me said...

Ella - You are right...tragedy can bring out the best in people (or, at least a perceived tragedy)

Aaron - I can be a cold blooded bitch about anything:-) But yes, I was genuinely touched by the people who showed up. No one likes to go to wakes...but it means a lot to the people who are there that you show up.

K.d. - It's good to be back!

Anon - Please leave more comments...I love them, especially the thoughtful ones! There is a lot in there, and I have a lot I want to say regarding it.

Tinkerbelle knows that her father left, and she knows that he was in jail and she knows that he died. I am sure someday she will wish that she met her father, and could have asked him some questions. But, having been on the other end...I don't think that there is an inate emotional attachment to a person. If someone is never around, you don't feel something for them just because they are your father... being a Dad has nothing to do with sperm and everything to do with birthdays and school plays and trips to the zoo and stuff.

As for the hard questions he should answer, I don't think she will ever get an answer. People who run away from their responsibilities don't answer hard questions. I can actually go on about this at length if you send me an email...but that is enough for the comment...

Anonymous said...

that's pretty cool that your high school friends came to see you.

and the rest, well you feel how you feel. there's nothing wrong with that.