Not so hot today

I seem to be a little bit stressed today. Which really sucks, because I feel like yesterday was a really good day. The boys at work even bought me a special promotion cake (note: I will absolutely put out for chocolate cake, but I didn’t tell them that;-))

So what happened? A couple of things.

First, my father made his normal once-monthly phone call. For those just joining us (ahem…read the archives!!!) here is a brief synopsis of my father: left before I was born, spent lots of time in jail, I met him when I was 21, he is back in jail. That is the short version…the even shorter version is “dirtball”.

It started out normal, and I wasn’t even that upset to hear from him, to be honest. We talked about Thanksgiving and I told him that I was going to be in Chicago to see his family in a couple of weeks. I think he genuinely likes that I see his brothers and sisters and mother and nieces and nephews…at least he seems genuine about it.

He said that he really hoped I would come up and see him while I was home and I told him that I doubted I could make it, just because there is a lot to do in a couple days and I would rather not spend my festive times at a prison. I knew he would be upset by that, which is not something I really care that much about. But he got kind of quiet.

Then he told me that he is really sick (I kind of knew this) and he doesn’t have a whole lot of time left. I think he closed with “I have fucked up everything I have ever done and I am paying for it. All I want before I die is one last chance to tell you I am sorry in person.”

Well what the fuck is that?!?! I don’t want to sound like a bitch, but I don’t really see where assuaging his guilt is my responsibility. He is the one who abandoned me before I was born, and who probably ruined the lives of hundreds of other people by selling them drugs, stealing things from them to buy his own, or causing serious physical harm in the pursuit of both. He is not a nice man, not to me and not to anyone…I don’t feel like he deserves a lot of sympathy, failing kidneys or not.

But somehow, I am gonna feel guilty about this if I don’t go and see him. I am gonna beat myself up about not being good enough to take a couple of hours to go and let him make his peace before he dies. Which means that I will probably call my aunt today and tell her that I want to go up and see him. Which is a bold faced lie…I don’t want to go and see him, I just don’t want to waste any guilty feelings on him.

At a minimum, it will make her happy, and I suppose that is a good enough reason.

There are a couple other things that have me upset, too, but I don’t want to write about them right now. Maybe later today, that is enough for this post.